I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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