my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
