literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
