Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he thought i was a dude.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
