i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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