I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I don't deserve a penis
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
