My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
