R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
