remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
