Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
