the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
