Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
