Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
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Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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