Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
