I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We're using joints as your birthday candles
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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