I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.