Texts From Last Night

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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.

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  (907): He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED. http://tfl.nu/5p57
  Replies (10) Good night (2593) Bad night (925)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...

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  (616): I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself. (616): The wine tasting is just for charity anyways... http://tfl.nu/d1ju
  Replies (3) Good night (2956) Bad night (911)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy

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  (416): Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy http://tfl.nu/lckr
  Replies (15) Good night (1844) Bad night (1162)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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  (573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use." http://tfl.nu/1qa0
  Replies (8) Good night (5731) Bad night (988)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.

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  (815): i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning. http://tfl.nu/0ff2
  Replies (4) Good night (912) Bad night (2060)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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  (270): and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown http://tfl.nu/vz9q
  Replies (14) Good night (3321) Bad night (1030)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

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  (817): I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home http://tfl.nu/rtxe
  Replies (4) Good night (1938) Bad night (705)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

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  (812): Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding. http://tfl.nu/ofow
  Replies (16) Good night (2522) Bad night (987)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it

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  (602): Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it http://tfl.nu/5hme
  Replies (3) Good night (1315) Bad night (553)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

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  (617): I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable http://tfl.nu/uhd1
  Replies (8) Good night (1980) Bad night (783)
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror

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  (865): He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror http://tfl.nu/h00k
  Replies (4) Good night (373) Bad night (690)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

  (1-541): View more from Oregon

  I was just power-washing my vagina.

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  (541): Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay? (1-541): I was just power-washing my vagina. http://tfl.nu/mkkk
  Replies (8) Good night (1464) Bad night (392)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?

  (813): View more from Florida

  Heaven. . It would look like heaven

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  (727): Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together? (813): Heaven. . It would look like heaven http://tfl.nu/645f
  Replies (5) Good night (798) Bad night (429)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.

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  (904): I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day. http://tfl.nu/ua14
  Replies (1) Good night (601) Bad night (310)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.

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  (207): So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station. http://tfl.nu/zmfk
  Replies (3) Good night (223) Bad night (366)

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