My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
