shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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