Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If that was your dad, he is hot
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
