im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
