remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
