Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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