Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
