If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
