You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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