Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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