Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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