"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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