I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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