Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
