I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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