The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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