Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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