my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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