after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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