You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
