At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
