I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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