im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize