You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
