my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts