I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.