Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
