If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
