god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
