i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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