i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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