I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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