i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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