I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
