a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
