i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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