I must be too annoying 4 u.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
