the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
