im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Hippo gnu deer
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
