sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
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