oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
