I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
