Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
