dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
wow bdsm is so cute
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
