Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
