You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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